..._not_ to put on a resume...

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples:

=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Proven ability to track down and correct errors."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"